"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus...

I was born into a Christian family, and when I was only three years old, our family went to Cambodia as missionaries. God, Bible stories, and church had always been a huge part of my life. When I was four years old during a family devotion, I felt convicted of my need for salvation, and my dad explained to me how to get saved. That day in 1999, I put my childlike faith in the only One Who saves: Jesus Christ.

Compared to other children of missionaries, I grew up in a more laid-back Christian family. I attended a Christian school, but at home my parents weren’t exactly the type to implement strict rules concerning daily quiet time, restrictions on music/television, etc. As the years went by, I grew careless. I was a Christian, for I had placed my faith in Jesus alone for my salvation. But I wasn’t living like a Christian should.

Then I got a wake-up call.

Written (01/15/2012): Yesterday I was wondering what I could answer, were someone to ask me why I suddenly got so serious about God and the Bible. Somehow, simply referring back to the NSC of October 2010 doesn’t cover anything.

In a flash, it came to me. One sentence that could explain it in the simple, obvious yet vague way I prefer to explain things.

“I got tired of the world.”

And by “tired,” I don’t mean “bored.” I mean “exhausted.”

I was spiritually tired, overcome by years of carelessness regarding the Bible, worldliness from without and within myself, laziness when it came to church activities, and sinfulness that abused God’s grace - repeatedly.

In a span of two nights at the 18th National Student Convention at Cagayan de Oro City last October 2010, from the start of the Wednesday sermon until the invitation that followed after the Thursday altar call, the Holy Spirit convicted me - I had backslid, without even realizing it.

That’s when I decided to commit - to submit - my life to God. And it would be a real commitment this time, I told myself. None of those zealous feelings I’d get at nearly every soul-winning or missions conference I’d attend. A commitment based on feelings is no commitment at all, I reminded myself. This was a choice.

I’d “committed” my life to God before. “Submitted” to His will. “Given up” my dreams to follow Him. But they had never lasted, not really. Weeks after that conference, or camp, or convention, I’d turn back into an ugly picture of spiritual slothfulness.

Looking back, I’d say the difference between my real wake-up call and the previous short-term bursts of passion was the S word:

Surrender.

In the past, I’d always said, “Lord, I’ll start attending this, I’ll start going there, I’ll start getting involved in this, I will, I will, I will…”

But that night I suddenly found myself saying, “I can’t do it anymore.”

I can’t run my life anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t ignore You anymore. I can’t be apathetic anymore. I can’t be ignorant anymore. I can’t be lazy anymore. I can’t be careless anymore. I can’t be worldly anymore. I can’t be ME anymore.

I wanted Him to rid me…of myself.

I realize now that in the past, I couldn’t be filled with His spirit and power because I had been refusing to let go of my self: my own selfish ambitions, my human desires… You can’t walk with God holding hands with the devil. I couldn’t ask Him to fill my cup when it was already filled with fleshly things.

I had to lay down my life in order to take up my cross and follow Him.